Saturday, October 01, 2016


Since about 12 or so, I've tried my best to look at things intellectually. Probably due to my parents' utter irrationality. (Had I taken the behavior of either of those people seriously, I would have certainly gone mad.)

Post-parents, in the search for love, I've initially believed what people told me. (Why would they lie about such a profound thing?)

Duh... People want any sort of attention, and they'll do anything to get it.

At 51, I've come to the realization that I've been attracted to some losers. Attractive on the surface, but deep-down defective. Not "defective" because they didn't love me, but because they were simply messed up. First-lover Mollie, a near-pedophile. (When I met her, she was 36, I was 23; she was obsessed with hanging out with club teens). Murrah, a lost soul (with a gay father) who hosted karaoke around town and claimed to "want to make a difference." (She made no difference to anyone and is now living in a tiny house outside of Austin.) Sandra, a sexually abused rich kid who grew up to write poetry in college (currently shuffling among Sugar Daddies in Houston). Julie, a confused transsexual (trying to be a woman, but with the mind-set of a gay man).

All of the above seemed so mentally interesting and attractive in the beginning... But then when I got to know these people.. They're fucked up in ways that I myself am not fucked up. I've got my own multitude of problems, sure, but... my own mental problems don't involve pedophilia or closeted gay dads or childhood abuse or transsexuality. Fuck. These things are beyond my comprehension. I understand them intellectually, but I don't understand them on a deep-down organic level.

Mollie (my first lover), for instance, an androgynous/butch woman, had male-on-male locker-room porno under her bed: Jock guys wrestling, etc. Now, good for her. But... don't bring ME into this deep-down scenario. Why would you seek out a young woman if you were into jock guys making out? Same with Julie: How did I get involved with your gay predilection for teens?  And Sandra: How did I get involved with your predilection for Daddies?

I was so curious once I left Ginny and Azle in 1983. So much shit since then. Nothing interesting or creative, or anything that made me feel good, as I had imagined sex was supposed to be. Since leaving home in '83 at the age of 18, I've, in my search for love and sexual connection, primarily encountered a bunch of people with profound hangups trying to project their own disturbances and creepiness onto me.

(How to attract interesting, sexual people who aren't creepy assholes?)

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

a-ha -- Take On Me (1985)

Muscato on Twitter:
Hearing a-ha's "Take on Me" on a gray rainy Wednesday morning while riding on a shuttle bus = unreasonably exhilarating...

When I heard the same song coming home from lunch a couple of weeks ago, I noted it as "stupidly exhilarating."

(Why "unreasonably" or "stupidly"? Maybe because some of us are now middle-aged and long-time cynics... What a thrill to FEEL something by accident...What a thrill to have possibilities...)

Goosebump-raising for me, like hearing early Beatles.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

All In The Family: Edith's Problem

I first watched this when I was kid, little knowing... it would be my ONE guide to menopause 40 years later! :)

Monday, September 26, 2016


Throughout my life, I've been cursed with no one to talk to about anything. And so have learned a bit of stoicism. Earlier tonight, though, I broke down and asked someone that I've known for 8 years about the menopause that I'm now going through, that I had no one else to talk to about. At the end of the below is her one line of response.

At 51, I am used to this. But, nonetheless, I am still rather shocked by the utter nothingness.

On Sep 25, 2016, at 10:29 PM, SJ wrote:
In May (when I was 50), I went to my mother's house to pay my respects for Mother's Day. I hadn't had my period for 3 months, thought menopause was underway. The next day I got my period.

Haven't had my period since May. In June, I started having "hot flashes," but put them off as "oh, it's hot in Texas in the summer."

Said "hot flashes" have been really intense since June, not just based on the weather. (I haven't had another period since May.)

And not just hot flashes; I've been feeling low for months since the summer. Not just psychologically, but physically LOW, where I didn't feel like doing anything or thinking anything, where I felt physically weak.

What's going on? I asked my mom, but got only vagueness.

How long will this go on? Will my energy ever come back?

Is it low-energy for the rest of my life?


SSB response:  Menopause darling. Read about heat intolerance and stress on Internet.  It's   Hideous

Sunday, September 25, 2016

A nice Saturday

A big block on North Lamar in Austin: Book shopping at Half-Price, a visit to the Goodwill next door, and then taking home KFC at the end.

(Before I got my car in July, I had no easy access to anything on this block; my car has definitely improved my life.)

Friday, September 23, 2016

The Story of My White-Woman Police Stops

(1) Mid 1980s: In Austin, on Guadalupe, for driving a cheesy Ford Pinto and changing lanes too quickly. (The officer let me off with a warning.)

(2) Mid 1980s: In Austin, out wading in a lake after doing mushrooms with a couple of Middle Eastern guys that my friend had picked up. (I don't remember what I said; something about enjoying the night and the lake. The officers let all of us go.)

(3) Late '80s: In Austin, after an evening of partying at my own home with lesbian friends, I drove a couple of these friends home after one butch friend had said she couldn't drive because she would get stopped for how she looked. I was drunk myself and went the wrong way down a one-way street. When the cop stopped me, I honestly don't remember what I told him. (He let me go.)

(4) Late '80s: In Austin, I was driving a carload of straight friends home and didn't obey whatever traffic law. The cop that pulled me over asked where we were going. I responded that we were going home to play a board game, which we were. (He let me/us go.)

(5) Early 1990s: In Austin, on loop 183, I was driving too fast and changing lanes too quickly and not stopping quickly enough. (I had a new stereo in my car and had been listening to Doris Day too loudly and so didn't hear or see the officer behind me. When the officer came to my window, he wasn't old enough to understand the appeal of "Doris Day," but he let me off anyway after I explained.)

(6) Early 1990s: I'd been at a party in the western hills of Austin and didn't quite know how to get back to town. At a stoplight near town, I was finally feeling my oats and got into a "drag race" with a guy next to me. That guy got stopped, and then I got stopped. (I didn't get off. I passed the drunk-driving tests on the side of the road, but ended up getting fined over $300 for speeding.)

The point being not a Confessional but rather: White people get into scuffs with police all the time, just as black people do. What, though, turns minor "scuffs" into major confrontations is people like Sandra Bland, for instance, freaking out and cursing at police; people refusing to get out of the car; people with actual guns in their cars making shady moves; people running, etc.

Some of us get stopped by police on occasion. 99.9% of us don't get shot.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Police use of force protests: Charlotte, Tulsa

Terrence Crutcher in Tulsa, who stopped his car in the middle of the street, was drunk and on PCP (found in his vehicle), and Keith Lamont Scott in Charlotte pulled a gun on police. Why are there riots when sleazy guys like this get shot? (BTW: The police officer in Charlotte who shot Scott was black.)

Perhaps riots would be better directed at Chicago, where 500 black men have been shot by black men in 2016 alone. 500 blacks shot by blacks in Chicago this year. Where are THOSE riots?

I have been "socially aware" since the age of 15. Today, at 50, I see that today's black protests are painfully "straining for meaning" and thus ridiculous. There's no real discrimination in American society in 2016, yet blacks stretch for something, anything, to blame why, in 2016, they're still behind every other segment of American society. Take a look in the mirror instead: Take a look at your crime rates, your out-of-wedlock births, etc.

When blacks were being hosed on the streets and forced to ride on the back of the bus, I had sympathy. I had sympathy with the "Black Power" fists-raised protests at the '68 Olympics.

Today, I have no sympathy. I have no sympathy for SF 49ers backup quarterback Colin Kaepernick, who was raised as a baby by upper-middle-class WHITE parents and who makes millions per year, yet now pretends to be uber-black. I have no sympathy for black people who protest when criminals are shot by police, usually only because they have provoked police.